I'm shitting it, but welcome to my blog

I am the married father of an eighteen month old girl. In a few weeks time life for my family, and particularly for me, will change massively.

You see I’m about to give up full time employment to become the main carer for our little girl. To protect her privacy I shall refer to her as Helen. My wife Anna, not her real name, will remain in full-time employment and will be the bread-winner for the family.

I am desperate to spend more time with the little one and look forward to it. It would be dishonest of me, however, not to admit I’m shitting it. It’s not the being at home with Helen that frightens me, it’s the uncertainty of leaving full time employment behind. The longest I've ever been out of work is six weeks, and that was only because I was recovering from surgery.

I’m worried about the loss of income and also the prejudice I might face as a man taking on a role that many would consider women’s work. It is, after all, rare to find a man that is the main carer for his kids. Some of my friends and family know of these plans. A remarkable number have been very supportive but I’ve had to tolerate a few disapproving comments.  

At some point in the future I know I am going to attend a party where I don’t know anyone. I can imagine the conversation:

“And what do you do for a living?”

“Well I used to work in PR and communications but now work part-time and look after our daughter.”

“Oh, you’re a househusband, fascinating…”

At this point I imagine the conversation coming to a swift end as other guests start nudging each other, pointing at me and whispering about this atypical situation. Okay, okay, maybe I am a bit paranoid and focusing on the negatives a bit more than is necessary but as Richard Nixon said; “just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get me”.

That said, I’m not sure who they would be; disapproving mothers at the school gate perhaps or maybe disapproving male friends and relatives? Unlike Nixon, I think I can safely say that in my case it won’t be the CIA.

I sense I'm getting a bit carried away! So how have I ended up in this position? Well, it was bit like the stars coming into alignment – a number of things happened that just made this the obvious course of action.

Crucially, however, Anna and I don’t want little Helen to be in full-time nursery care any longer. She has been at nursery five days a week since the age of eight months and we both want her to spend more time with us. Both Anna and I thought it would be straightforward to have our daughter in nursery while the two of us worked. This hasn’t proved to be the case.

We find that we’re always playing catch-up with the housework and weekends are filled with domestic chores that we haven’t done during the week. Added to this, Helen's first words were said at nursery. A few months later her first steps were also taken at nursery. It made us feel uncomfortable that we weren’t present for these significant moments in her life. This, I should add, is no criticism of Helen’s nursery care. She’s always had excellent carers and that's an important point to stress.

It also came as something of a surprise when we recently discovered that little Helen was one of only two children of her age at nursery five days a week. While it always made me feel a little uncomfortable having her in full-time childcare, I refuse to feel guilty about it. As first time parents I think we were a bit naive about how difficult it would be to put Helen in nursery five days a week. We’ve learnt our lesson, and we’re now taking action to put it right.

A major influence on our decision has also been the economic realities of life in the 21^st century, i.e. modern woman's ability to earn more than modern man. Although I have what many would deem a professional job, my wife can command a higher salary because she has a specialised occupation.

In addition to this, I had for some time been thinking about leaving my job and seeking new opportunities elsewhere. There had been a restructure at my employer and the culture changed massively. My role became considerably more demanding and equally less enjoyable. Having childcare commitments didn't make life any easier and becoming a father changed my priorities. It is, after all, difficult to bring work home at the weekends when granny and grandad are visiting. 

I lived for the weekend when I could spend time with the family but dreaded Sundays. I spent much of the day watching the clock, counting down the hours until I had to return to the office. It was desperately depressing and I became very moody. Anna made it clear she found this upsetting and this made me feel awful.

One fateful day a couple of months ago things came to a head. I'd had a dreadful day at work and returned home miserable. I discussed all the options with Anna and we felt the best course of action was to throw caution to the wind and for me to resign. Either something would come up during my notice period or I would do office temp work for a while.

A little time has now passed and a clearer plan has formed. I plan to work part-time, possibly freelance, and have Helen with me two days a week. In addition to this, I’ll take care of more of the domestic drudgery that needs to be done, and this, we hope, will reduce the amount of time spent on household chores in the evenings and weekends and enable us to spend more time together as a family. As a side-effect, this will enable Anna to concentrate on her career.

I’m presently working through my notice period and applying for jobs. I’m pleased to say I am getting interviews but I suspect I may end up working for temp agencies until something turns up. In the short term, I don’t care.

So that’s an introduction to my story. In the weeks and months to come I shall update this blog as plans take shape and I become a stay-at-home father. In the meantime I look forward to reading your comments!